My Name is Sumo

“My name is Su Mo. I don't have many memories before the age of 10. In that year, my parents went out to work, while my grandparents on both sides had passed away early.

So instead of staying with relatives, I lived alone at home.

How should I put it? The first couple of years were very lonely and scary for me. I often cried at nights, but I matured early and understood my parents' situation, so I didn't resent them.

However, with no adults at home, I was inevitably bullied by other kids, and occasionally even by adults. I endured it - they were not big deals that I couldn't get over. After some patience, things would just blow over.

Two years later, I finally went to middle school and could live on campus. I thought I wouldn't feel lonely anymore with so many roommates in the dorm.

And that was true initially - it was lively with many people around, and I got along well with some classmates at first.

But gradually, I realized I could not truly fit in with them. That's because I had no money. When others treated me to meals, I could not treat them back. I felt very awkward.

The money my parents sent me was kept by my aunt. Every time I went to ask for it from her, I would get scolded badly, even though it was money my parents gave me.

I didn't understand why I would get scolded for wanting to spend the money my own parents gave me.

Never mind, after two years of living alone, I had gotten used to solitary life. Since I couldn't make friends, then just don't have any, I thought.

My grades were not good. Perhaps I lacked talent. Actually I did study hard. But the teachers didn't seem to like me very much. I guessed it was probably because no one ever showed up for me on parents' visiting days.

I don't know how I got through the three years of middle school. Apart from my inner world growing increasingly desolate, it seemed I didn't gain anything. Oh wait, there was one thing - I grew up a bit.

When I was in 10th grade in high school, many people came to my house - there were policemen, government officials, and various relatives I'd never met. They told me my parents passed away in a car accident.

At that time, I was not as sad as I thought I would be. I was stunned that I only shed some tears at my parents' death. Of course that was only my feeling. Although I did faint several times.

I couldn't hear what those who came to give condolences were saying, nor could I see their expressions. At that time, I even wondered if I was going blind or deaf. Fortunately that turned out to be overthinking - my vision and hearing recovered after a week.

After graduating high school, I naturally didn't get into college. I also had no idea what to do afterwards. Then one day, when I saw soldiers on TV, I made up my mind.

So I went to serve in the military. Being a soldier is great. Those were the happiest three years of my life. I know that people here don't dislike me, at least most don't.

Sometimes I reflect on whether something is inherently wrong with me. Why have so few people liked me ever since I was little? No, to be accurate, it's not about people liking me, just fewer people who don't dislike me.

I never went around harming others. Although I didn't go out of my way to help people either, that shouldn't be reason enough for others to dislike me, right? Could it be...because of my frightening gaze when looking at people?

Yes, many have said my eyes look creepy when watching someone - like looking at a toy, without any emotional fluctuations, and no focus.

After getting discharged from the army, I returned to my hometown. I was 21 then.

I'd actually never thought about getting married, because I didn't believe anyone would like me. Although, I do look decent, tall and strong, with property and savings left behind by my parents.

But half a year after I returned to my hometown, a girl caught my attention. She was not very pretty, just very sweet when asking me for directions with a smile.

Come to think of it, it was the first time a girl took initiative to talk to me. Asking for directions counted as taking initiative.

Her name is Zhang Xiaoling. She just arrived in the county and was looking to rent a place. I helped her out by letting her stay in one of my family's houses for free. My family has two houses - one original and one purchased later.

After Zhang Xiaoling moved into my house, we got to know each other better gradually. She was very talkative and cheerful. I liked her a bit.

One night she came home drunk and threw her arms around me, even taking initiative to kiss me. I couldn't hold myself back and we slept together that night.

The next day, I asked her to marry me. She was terrified, but didn't refuse - just said we should date first.

A month later, she told me she's willing to marry me. I was over the moon.

After getting married I loved her even more. Whether it was food, drinks or supplies, I had to know everything. I was worried she wouldn't take good care of herself.

Of course, I would investigate all her friends and family members thoroughly. I was worried others might harm her.

Oh I remember once when she was at work, I caught sight of her shaking hands with a man. I was furious. So the next day, I went and beat up that man badly.

Alright, I was impulsive that time. Turns out the man was just a client and it was merely a polite handshake. But I cannot tolerate my wife Zhang Xiaoling's hands being touched by any other man.

Half a year later, we often fought. I understood she felt I was overly strict and no longer allowed her to live a normal life.

So I agreed to stop meddling so much. Yet before even a month passed, something happened.

One night, I saw my wife enter a hotel with another man. I was not hurt but very angry.

Why, why did I love her so much yet she betrayed me like this? Fine, since this was how things turned out, then there was no other way.

I had already decided - I would kill my wife. She belonged to me. No one could snatch her away. As for that man called Wang Heng, I would kill him too.

I had it all planned out. After killing my wife I would turn her into a doll to put by my bed, so that I could look at her every day. She would no longer be able to run away, betray me, or let down my love.

How wonderful. Just thinking about it made me elated. I could hardly wait.

Ever since I stopped supervising her, she had become increasingly brazen, often going out messing around. I was furious, but never mind - she would soon become obedient.

The opportunity came quickly. On the day of September 9th, she went out to play again. After she came home, I then...

Tightly gripped her neck with both hands, watching her struggle in vain. I gently said, "Shhh, it'll be over soon. Don't be scared. You'll be able to stay by my side forever very soon."

"Xiaoling, I love you, so you must keep me company forever..."

I opened my eyes wide all of a sudden, jumped out of bed, and froze for a few seconds. Then I realized something and a smile emerged on my face.